StorIES Under Construction

[PhoenixTears]

I wrote this quite a while back... never completed... hence, chapter one.
This was conceived... I believe right after seventh grade, in the summer... or maybe before that, i don't quite remember...
Yup, I decided a name... Sorano Mythos. Originally, I had many different ideas, and I superimposed it to be the plot for a video game I wished to create after I learned programming... The first chapter is done, but that's only because I decided to change it up... originally, it was a lot longer...
Well, here it is:

Chapter 1: Dreams

   The image of a small boy is sitting upon a seat at a table set up in the center of a domestic kitchen. Circumfusing wood cabinets covered the upper area of the yellow walls of the small room while a lonely window stood over a small crude sink hammered from iron metals. A lovely woman stood at the sink peeling ripe carrots and tomatoes, cutting them and letting them make a small splash as they fell into a pot filled with water.

   "Mommy, when's the food gonna be ready? I wanna eat!"

   The woman turned around slowly to the eager boy's complaints for food. Looking down at her son, her mouth formed into a smile.

   "Soon. The food'll be ready soon."

   A smile played across the boy's face and grew into a wide grin that stretched from ear to ear. He blinked his eyes at a strangely slow pace and when he opened them, he found himself in a completely different environment than what had been provided moments before. He was still in the same exact position and place he was at before, but now a different scene was playing before him. The wooden frames of the cabinets stood out against the burning walls, catching fire and crumbling to the ground below it. He stood out of his chair.

   "M-mommy? Mommy, where are you?!"

   The boy cried out in despair but it was all in vain. His answer was the crackling of wood as it strained to stand under the pressure of the heat. The wooden beams above the boy's head buckled as the flames engulfed its fuel and came crashing down. However, the boy did not die. He laid on his back, still inside the flaming house, but not under the pile of rubble created by the falling beam. He looked under the pile of flaming sticks and saw that there was in his stead, another human body. The boy remembered two hands... two hands had pushed him out of harm's way and had taken the fall themselves... but who was it? Slowly, he got onto his elbows and knees and crawled over to the seemingly lifeless body. As he drew closer to the body, it began taking on the shape of a woman becoming more defined until-

   "Mommy!"

   The boy cried out in anguish and pain, seeing his dead mother sprawled on the floor under the burning remains of their house. He closed his eyes as tears welled up, overwhelming him and falling in a steady stream down his face. He heard laughter. A cold, merciless laugh filled with hatred. The laugh pierced the boy's heart, wounding him. But the laughter, which had started out so strongly, started fading. It became quieter with each passing moment, and the boy felt himself falling into slumber. It was becoming dark-wait, no it wasn't. A bright light seeped into his head and he opened his eyes.

   Ruyd looked up at the sloping wooden logs of the ceiling that sheltered the small room he slept in while his eyes began focusing. The bright light had been the sun peeking over the edge of the small window at the other end of the room. He scanned the room with nervous eyes and saw his three siblings still sound asleep in their cots.

   "It-it was a dream..." he said and sighed a breath of relief. Unsure of his own actions, he sat up on the thatched straw mats placed on his cot and rested his forehead in his hands.

   Why did I have that dream again? Ryud contemplated his thoughts as the sun continued its slow trek across the sky and started to flood the wooden room with light. That night...

   Ryud shook his head and cleared his thoughts. "No, I can't think about that. It'll only cloud my thinking."

   He got up abruptly, pulled on a shirt, making sure it was clean first, and crept out of the quiet room into the silent hallway. Stretching to arouse his body from slumber, he tread across the well worn rug, which acted as a muffler for any noises his feet made, into the kitchen. The kitchen looked the same as it had in his dream, only it seemed even smaller since he wasn't the little boy he had been when the dream had been an actuality... He crossed the room in several strides and reached the front opening of the house. Quietly, he flipped the latches to their side, and opened the creaky door.

   "I'd better get the water while I'm out here...after all, we're going to need it..." he mumbled and took the buckets by the door. He jogged the half-mile to the well located deep in the forest beside their home. The wet grass sparkled with dew and drenched his bare feet with ice cold water. A gentle wind caressed the trees, rustling them slightly. Ryud's thoughts freed themselves once more through his run. He casually took in his surroundings caring less for the beauty surrounding him. He ran countless ideas through his head trying hard not to think about the dream. But no matter what he did, it stuck in his head denying his resistance playing the scenes from his nightmare over and over again like a broken record. He stopped before the well and put the buckets down. He stared into the opening of the well which stretched into a chasm deep in the earth gurgling with the sound of the moving water.

   "Mommy!..." The voice was isolated from all other sounds and was played back to him in the core of his mind, each time louder and louder until...

  "DAMMIT, I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

   Ryud smashed his right fist into the wall of the well nearly breaking the already eroding bindings apart. The blood from his abraised knuckles slipped down the wall and collected in a small pool on the dirt ground next to the stone and mortar of the well. Nearby birds took flight, alarmed by the sudden outburst from what had been a generally calm being. Ryud breathed heavily and took deep breaths trying to calm himself.

   "Those b*******...I'll find them... and I'll make them pay... I swear." A silence followed where the only sound was that of the rustling from the well and of the chirruping birds. He released his angered expression a moment later and let out a sigh, looking to the cerulean sky. "But who knows... maybe they're already dead..."

[Stefan the SwordSaint]

well..the one thing that bugged me the most was this line:
He got up abruptly, pulled on a shirt, making sure it was clean first
just seems odd, and out of charater with all the curses and swearing revenge he does later....
Well should be interesting to see how it goes....

[PhoenixTears]

Ohh... well, whatever...
Yeahhh... It was supposed to be even longer, but I cut it short and decided I'd have about a billion chapters instead... =/
I'm still working on two...
hint~~ he's not the real main character.

[Stefan the SwordSaint]

Hmmm, using him to introduce the main?

[PhoenixTears]

Well, no, not really, he's a main character to the plot, but not the true main character.
Huh... do you get that?

You know... I was thinking over it, and Ryud is... like a momma's boy, but then after his mom died, he just decided on revenge. =) I don't know why, it's funny to me...

EDIT:
Yeah... I'm still working on the second chapter, but, I wanted to ask for some help.
D'you guys have good names for characters?
>_> I'm soooo bad at making up names, and I really don't want to use such common ones...
Ehh... help?
Oh, I'll try to post the second chapter up soon....

AND.... if you want... you can create a character, (kinda like you do for RPs) and I'll see if I can fit it into the story or something. =) I think that would be fun... how bout you?

[Ysera]

Hmm...I'm not good in making up names as well...sorry >.<
but it would be great if you accept characters =)
*starts to think* Hmmm...

[PhoenixTears]

Wahaha! Chapter two folks! But it's kinda short....

Chapter Two: Night in the Forest

   "What happened to your hand, Ryud?" A girl of the age eight came running up to the young man that was entering through their doorway and was lifted into his arms as the family was finishing packing. Reika's golden blonde curls bounced up and down, coinciding with her bright blue eyes. However the voice that had spoken was that of a man; his father.

   "What happened to your hand, Ryud?" The question was repeated by his younger brother, Leon. "Why'd you wrap it with that cloth?"

   "Hm?" Ryud looked down at his cloth wrapped hand and he hesitated before deciding to sway the truth. "Oh... uh... well, there was this animal that I ran into while getting the water and it sort of bit my hand... errr... yeah..." He faltered at the end, feeling guilty for lying but nobody noticed. His father was then reaching for ointment packed away.

   "Does it hurt bad?" Reika's childish voice called out from where she was hanging in his arms. Ryud chuckled at the seemingly silly question; because it was silly.

   "Naw, when you're strong like me Reika, nothing hurts!" At this statement Ruyd assumed a pretentious grin. Children were so innocent and naive... he didn't want to seem weak in front of his sister.

   "Alright then, let me see the wound." His father had appeared from the background carrying a small circular wooden case. "No, it's alright. I'll do it myself." Ruyd reached over with his right hand and took the ointment. He almost expected his dad to reach over grab his hand; suspecting Ryud of fabrication. But his father's hand didn't make even the slightest movement as Ruyd reached over. His face only held a furrowed expression of concern.


  "No, I'll take that." He lifted the heavy crates filled with the years crop and other various things they could sell. Every year, at this time, they'd go to town, and sell the year's harvest. But.. this year... the harvest is so small... would we really be able to live off our current stretch? Ryud was going alone this year. His father, had already been through too much, and too old when Ryud had started helping him. He was old enough to go by himself and it'd be better if his father stayed home, with the family.

   "And I'm off!" Ryud whipped the reins of their two horses, and they set off on the road. "Bye Ryud! Come back soon, okay? Bye!" He waved back at his younger siblings and they soon faded away to the distance. He looked forward, at the road and the path. According to his memory, the trip to town took two nights. One night in the forest... He heaved a sigh. It was dangerous in the forest these days, with tales of bandits, and wild animals. If he was lucky, he might find another caravan like his and they'd be able to stay together that night.


   "There's no one else..." Ryud was talking to himself. "Oh well, I should have expected that if I went out so early..." He picked out a small portion of dry food and set up a temporary shelter on the side of the road. A fire would keep wild animals away, but it'll attract bandits... He sighed again. "Just great." He set down under the shelter, and looked to the stars. All that's left... is to wait out the night...

   Ryud woke up with a start. A dull sun was rising on the horizon, and there was a rustling in the bushes. An animal? Or bandits? He got up slowly and picked up a stick. Drawing closer... the rustling grew louder... when...

   "Argh!" He threw his hands over his head, as if to protect himself, but when he didn't feel anything, he peeked through between his arms. A small bundle rolled out of the bushes. A... dog?

   He walked over to it slowly, so he wouldn't scare it if it was alive. "Poor thing..." He knelt down. It was a small golden brown puppy, with matted fur, and it seemed scared. Ryud scooped it up in his hands. "I wonder if it'd be alright for me to take this..."

[Dr. Backflips]

Wow, your an amazing writer! Better than some books I've read. It's dscriptive enough that I can imagine it just right but not so much that it drags on. The use of words was really good and it just flowed. I can't wait to read more, even if it doesn't turn out to be my kind of read.

[PhoenixTears]

Wow, your an amazing writer! Better than some books I've read. It's dscriptive enough that I can imagine it just right but not so much that it drags on. The use of words was really good and it just flowed. I can't wait to read more, even if it doesn't turn out to be my kind of read.

Uhhh... thanks?
Eh heh... I'll never finish it though... that's the problem. =/

[Dr. Backflips]

Maybe you will, if you get really serious.

[Stefan the SwordSaint]

EDIT:
Yeah... I'm still working on the second chapter, but, I wanted to ask for some help.
D'you guys have good names for characters?
>_> I'm soooo bad at making up names, and I really don't want to use such common ones...

I'll try not to use 'L' names like the characters in my stories always end up having....Don't have a clue why though...
Do what I do, take all the names of people you know, the cross off the ones you hate or don't sound right for the story.
I'll think of some if you want though...

[Dr. Backflips]

Or you could find a word or words that somewhat describe the character and translate them into some other language and if there were multiple words you can mix them together.

[PhoenixTears]

Yeah... well, I ripped off Ryud from Ryudo in Grandia II
And... a character you didn't meet yet, I was going to name Serami, derived from Seraph, taking off the ph and adding "mi" which I know, one chinese letter would mean beauty....

... yeah...
I'm still writing chapter three.... haven't really started it actually. The only one I REALLY had done was chapter one. I... actually don't know what's going to happen now.

[PhoenixTears]

EDIT: I need some characters. >_> Damn... mostly, just create random characters, create personalities, backgrounds... maybe I'll take some from the RPs. If this EVER (because things can happen) becomes published or made into a game, I'll be sure to give credit to you guys. =) Yeah.... if you want to help me come up with characters specifically for this story though, I'd be more than happy to accept your help.

Yup... that's about it for now. Unless I get new characters though, I don't know if I can write the next chapter.... since it swings all on a new character that I should introduce... at some point...

[Ah Puch]

I am sorry for this lame-arsed review of mine, but it's the best I can write at the moment. No, I am neither drunk nor hungover -- it's just late in Sweden (that's my favourite excuse when my posts become about as incomprehensible as the Voynich Manuscript). The main problem with your writing is the reliance on quite static descriptions; I mean, you describe too much, simply. This is frowned upon in general, and there might be some lazy bastards who'd refuse to read your text because of the preponderance of these descriptions. Not that I am one of them, for obviously I have read it -- but you get my point. Lazy readers is not the only menace, though. Sometimes you create really long sentences, and as always very long sentences run the risk of becoming ungrammatical or sounding rather ... chunky:

"What happened to your hand, Ryud?" A girl of the age eight came running up to the young man that was entering through their doorway and was lifted into his arms as the family was finishing packing. Reika's golden blonde curls bounced up and down, coinciding with her bright blue eyes. However the voice that had spoken was that of a man; his father.

(emphasis added)

Here the bolded sentence really stands out and ought to be broken into shorter sentences; otherwise you'll just confuse readers, and furthermore it breaks the flow. Try to avoid excessively long or very short sentences. Otherwise I don't have much meaningful critique to give, as the story is as of yet not that long; but don't fret, when you post next time I shall attempt writing a review that is not quite as heavy on grammar and style as this. (I hope you took no offence at me pointing at what I percieve as flaws; you write very well, and the problems I mentioned were the only ones).

Yeah.... if you want to help me come up with characters specifically for this story though, I'd be more than happy to accept your help.

This is something you ought to consider carefully. Do you really want the characters in your story to be someone else's intellectual property?